Different Types of Conversations

A ping pong match

You, “I spent the weekend suffering through allergies.” (ping)
The Opponent, “I suffered through much worse allergy.” (pong)
“I took Sudafed, and it really helped.” (ping)
“Nothing helped me.” (pong)
“I generally don’t fall sick.” (ping)
“I am always sick.” (smash!)

Next game

You, “Before falling sick, we spent a nice week in Berkshires.” (ping)
The Opponent, “We spent a great weekend in Paris” (pong)
….
….

A Spanish Inquisition

The Inquisitor, “Where did you go this summer?”
You, “Oh, we went to Europe.”
“Why did you go to Europe?”
“Well, the dollar was high, and besides….”
“How much did you have to pay per Euro?”
“I don’t remember.”
“Why don’t you remember?”
“OK, may be it was $1.45 per Euro.”
“Don’t you think it was too much?”
“Well it is hard for me to judge…”

Next inquisition

The Inquisitor, “OK moving on, how is your work going?
…..
…..

A communist debate

(So named by me in honor of the communist response in the United Nations Security Council to any proposal from the west during the cold war…their answer was always “Nyet!” I am sure the same could be said about the Western answers when seen from the other side.)

You, “So I think that the Indians could be as materialistic as the Western people.”
The Communist, “Nyet, there is a long tradition of leaving simply.”
“Yes but I am making an observation about the current state of affairs.”
“Nyet, you are accusing people of Indian origin.”
“I am not doing so, but don’t you agree that the large mansion that Ambani is building is naked exhibition of materialism?”
“Nyet, yes”
Next debate

You, “OK, moving on, isn’t it a nice day?”
The Communist, “Nyet, it is going to rain.”
….
…..

Productive Conversation

You, “So these are three of many types of conversations we have.”
The conversationalist, “A very interesting observation. I can immediately think of a fourth type.”
“What type is that?”
“It is called productive conversation. It involves listening to what the other person is saying, thinking about what was said, and then responding. The point here is to not to think of the other party as an opponent and the reason for conversation as an opportunity to score a victory.”
“Sounds like a good type of conversation…why is it called productive conversation?”
“You build upon each others thoughts; you give and take, and learn from each other.”
“The conversation then becomes a much more enjoyable activity.”
“Precisely.”
“Can you tell me an example?”
“What do you think we were doing just now?”


October 2009

Racial Profiling

The recent incidence in Cambridge, MA, involving professor Gates, who is black, and Cambridge Police brought to the forefront the issue of racial profiling. The hotly debated point was whether Gates was treated differently than a white person would have been under the circumstances. After all, that is what racial profiling means.

In many situations, it is difficult to figure out if racial profiling did take place. This being one of them, unless you have proof that policeman had treated a white person differently under similar circumstances. Hence the uproar and differing views on whether professor Gates had a valid point.

There are other situations where it is clear that racial profiling did not take place and it is all in the mind of the person claiming that it did.

I am reminded of an incidence in Heathrow Airport, where a person of South Asian origin was screaming at the woman at a security check. The reason? He wanted to get into a short line reserved for Business Class passengers, and he was flying coach. At one point he got so angry that he told his kid that, “don’t go near them….they will fry you because of your skin color.” The security guard maintained her composure but I felt like kicking him for his imagined sense of profiling, not to mention his shameful behavior.

Finally, there are situations where there is little doubt that racial profiling did take place and I can say that from personal experience.

Once we were driving from San Diego to Los Angeles and we had to drive through Camp Pendleton. A guard was standing in the middle of the road allowing cars to go by. Among the stream of cars allowed to go by, he spotted us and pulled us aside for further investigation. We all felt humiliated and angry for being so overtly profiled.

The other incidence (or a set of incidences) was recently while on train crossing various borders in Europe. At each crossing, our passports were carefully examined, sometimes with a magnifying glass. Our data were entered on laptop and also verbally transmitted to some headquarters. Again, we felt that we were being clearly profiled.

However, there was a reason in both cases for the guards treating us differently.

The purpose for Camp Pendleton check point was to catch illegal immigrants from Mexico, and I looked like a Mexican. In the second situation, the reason for profiling was perhaps our son who, with his beard and piercing eyes, would be completely at home in a Taliban majlis.

If these guards are asked to find a needle in the haystack, would they examine objects that look like needle or those that resemble hay?

So, my fellow persons of color, think about what happened and why did it happen before you jump to a conclusion that you were wronged by a white person.

September 2009

Lessons from six decades

In a few days I will finish six decades of existence. Like the other “milestone” birthdays, this event provides a good opportunity to reflect on what these years have taught me. Of course, it is quite difficult to put all the lessons learned in a neat and short Blog-post, but here is my brave attempt at identifying six-most important ones. As you would observe they are all interrelated, building on each other, and I have discussed a couple of them in earlier posts.

Make physical fitness an integral part of your life: This is an important one because doing so may or may not increase how long you live (you can still have a bus run over you) but it definitely increases the quality of your life. You can not only do more activities later in your life, but enjoy each one better. Growing up in a country like India, where becoming smarter was emphasized far more than becoming stronger, this was a difficult leap to make. Fortunately, I had some role models---people who are not only wiser than me but stronger.

Emphasize collecting experiences more than collecting wealth: I firmly believe that when my time comes, I would feel a lot more satisfaction in having had great experience in my life than the size of my bank balance. These experiences include seeing different places, doing different things, and meeting different people. As Thoreau said “…when I come to die, (I should not) discover that I had not lived.” The lesson? Live!

Take joy in small things: There are big experiences and there are the small ones. The big experiences are few and far between but the small ones are plenty. A glass of wine, a cup of coffee, a book, a hike, an evening with friends. Unless we learn to enjoy the small experiences, we won’t get the full benefit of what life has to offer. One needs to be able to take joy in doing the same thing day in and day out, because, let’s face it, even for the most fortunate amongst us, that is what the life is about. Can you see the same object with fresh eyes? Find new nuances in the same piece of music?

Learn to ride the two “horses”: As per one of my previous posts, we need to do the best we can AND be happy with what we have. We need to work hard to achieve our goals in life, but at some point, we need to switch horse and enjoy what we have without being envious of people who have more or regretting what we have not been able to achieve.

Don’t live for others: I am defining “living for others” as aspects of our lives that are driven by our desire to impress. If we remove those, there will be little material impact but we will be able to devote a lot more time (and money) to doing things we truly enjoy.

Live for others: Switching to the more conventional definition of “living for others,” people who are able to do that have found true joy in their lives. This is perhaps the most important lesson, something I hope to put in practice in the next few years!

Pedaling away...

Yesterday we had a beautiful morning. Yes it was a bit damp and the rain clouds were threatening to open up any moment, but everything looked green and fresh. It was a typical mid-summer day in New England.

I went biking.

I started from our home in Acton, biked to Concord Center, and then to the Carlisle State Park and back. As I was pedaling away, I was thinking about why I have started enjoying this activity so much that I am prepared to get up early, get all sweaty, and tired; and feel good about it at the end.

This is the answer that I got.

Biking starts from home. I do not need to go to a special place. Just get on the bike and start pedaling.

The destination is predictable. It is back home. I am not going anywhere in particular.

It is the journey that matters in biking. How you enjoy it is the only thing that counts.

I have started enjoying the journey. I like what I see and experience. I enjoy the majesty of tall spruces and firs. I like the deep green of maples. I look forward to seeing the sparkling ponds with Mallard ducks and Canada Geese. The Purple colored flowers are everywhere this time of the year. I bike on narrow, winding roads, almost dark because of the overcast sky and the thickness of forest.

Sometimes, I am going up hill. It is a lot of work. The legs start aching and the lungs are straining. I am tempted to get off and give up. But I continue. The thrill of getting to the top without giving up is great!

Sometimes, I am going down hill. I am going fast. The wind on the face feels great. Then I remind myself that I can not make a mistake when I am going fast. I can easily stumble and hurt myself pretty badly.

This bike is one with gears, like almost every bike you purchase in the West. I am constantly adjusting the gears to make sure that I am going as fast as I can within the limits of my strength.

People on their fancy bikes constantly by-pass me. They are may be 30 or 40 years younger. Let them go past. They are all going to the same destination, home. They will reach their destination faster. May be they will not enjoy the beauty surrounding them, as much as I do.

It starts raining, as was expected. I enjoy it as much as I would if the sun was shining. These are all parts of the biking experience. After all, in biking, you are exposed to the elements and not protected as you are in a car.

This is what biking is about.

And, in case you did not guess, what the life is about!

Equalizer

An advanced stereo system deploys a component called graphic equalizer, or equalizer for short. Here is what it looks like.




It is a neat device which allows you to manually slide little buttons up and down, shaping the spectrum of the sound that comes out of speakers.

These sliders are a great representation of our attitudes on different things in life. This could be attitude on parenting, wealth, clothes, hedonism---almost anything. The only requirement is that the attitude being selected has distinct extreme positions one can take.

Take for example parenting. One can be a very strict parent, keeping a child under tight control, or very liberal, allowing the child to do whatever he/she likes to do. We can select our position---slide our button—between these extreme positions. Similarly, on the slider resenting hedonism, we can be very ascetic, not able to enjoy any physical pleasure in life, or a complete hedonist, who would put having fun as the number one priority.

How do we decide which position to slide the button to? I suppose, depending on the specific attitude under consideration, all of the usual factors come into play---our own upbringing, the norms of the society we live in, our life’s experiences, and perhaps some genetic reasons thrown in for good measure. I am reasonably certain that once we form the attitude, it is not easy to make it move. The button, once slid into position, gets stuck.

Taken in total, we can use a graphic equalizer---albeit a large one--- to provide a complete picture of our attitudes, with each of the hundreds of little buttons placed in a selected position.

The equalizer also helps represent how we form our opinions of others. A person whose button on a specific attitude is at a different location from ours is liable to face criticism from us. “He is just so strict with his child,” or “I can’t believe how they allow their son to get away with murder!”

Finally---one more point---our level of tolerance determines how far away the other person’s button needs to be before we get agitated. Some people are very tolerant (or at least show that they are), and have a wide band of tolerance around their equalizer settings, while other are not. For them, unless the settings of the other person are the same as theirs, there are grounds for scorn.

A graphic equalizer---a great representation of the lens through which we view the world and how we react to it.

"Living for Others"

Who comes to mind if I ask you to name a few people who live (or have lived) for others?

Mahatma Gandhi? Martin Luther King? Dalai Lama?

What if I told you that the list of people who live for others is quite long? In fact it includes practically every one? You, me, and uncle Joe!

It is a matter of definition.

I am defining “living for others” as aspects of our lives that are driven by our desire to impress others. So, we live in a house much too big for what we need, we drive a car way too ostentatious for our comfort, or attend a cultural event which we have no desire to attend. All this to make sure the others are impressed with our wealth (or fine taste) and sing our praise (we hope).

If we remove those activities, there will be little material impact on the quality of our lives. However, our ego will be hurt---It will not get as much pampering as it is used to.

Everyone lives for others---in different manner or to a different degree. In fact, the only persons who may not be guilty of living for others by my definition would be the people who live for others by the conventional definition…the Gandhis, the Kings and the other saintly people.

I think there is an easy way for figuring out how much of our life we live for the others.

Here is the way:

What would you purchase or do if you could not show it to others or talk about it?

Your truthful answer to the above question will tell you how much of your life you are living for your self. Anything above it is for the others.

May 9, 2009

Glass House

“Those living in a glass house should not throw stones at others.”

I get it.

Given the incompatibility of stone and glass, you may want to minimize the likelihood of someone throwing a stone at your house. The best way to do so is not to throw stones at others.

So, I ask myself two questions. First, why do we throw stones, irrespective of whether we live in a glass house or that made out of brick? What purpose does that serves?

The second, at what point does our house become a “glass house,” figuratively?

The first question is perhaps simpler to answer. We throw stones because it is fun to do so. It stokes our ego…”Look at that fat guy…he is just being a burden on the society, unlike me, who is so thin. ” “look at that huge house…what do you think is their footprint on earth?”

Sometimes, but not always, the throwing, if openly done, may even result in the change of behavior of the person at the receiving end. In which case, there is some real value to throwing stones.

The second question, that dealing with our house being built of glass, is a bit tricky to answer, because our common sense says that everything is relative. Who am I to laugh at a guy, who I think is fat, if someone skinnier than me would consider me to be fat? How can I criticize someone living in an obscenely large mansion when for a guy in a hut, I live in an obscenely large mansion myself.

What moral authority do I have?

I claim that even in the midst of everything being relative, one can find absolute measures for what is “reasonable” and “acceptable,” and accordingly, I do have the moral authority to throw stones at someone violating those standards of reasonableness.

Take again the example of obesity. Although I am 50% heavier than a 100 pound person of my height, I would not be accused of being obese (and a burden on society) based on quite clear guidelines set by the medical profession. By that definition a person of 200 pounds would be overweight, and more than 300, obese. A 300 pound person can not claim that it is all relative and that compared to a 400 pound person he is thin. No, he is not. He is fat!

When the guidelines are not provided by science, there are other ways of judging what is reasonable. It is tougher, but can be done.

For example, how does one establish a guideline for what size of house is “reasonable” and what is obscenely large?

One can attempt that based on the size of human being and thus the area required for a family of four to comfortably sleep, cook, sit, etc. I think that a 500-sq feet (just to throw a number) house would be considered just enough for that family. 10 times more than that may be considered large (and beyond what is needed) and 100 times that would be considered obscene.

Thus I, living in a house of 2500 sq feet would have moral authority to throw stones at someone living in a 25,000 sq-feet house, even though I live in an opulent house for someone living in a 500 sq-ft house, because my house is “reasonable” by the standards of this society.

However, if I live in a house that is 10,000 square feet, I would start losing that moral authority and my house will suddenly become a glass house.