Overcommunicating

Aren’t these great times?

Facebook now allows me to connect on a daily basis with previously long lost friends and relatives. Blogs provide me with a soap box over which I can stand and provide my point of view on any topic I feel like. With my cell phone, and sensible pricing schemes, calling anyone in the world from anywhere has become a synch. Typing in a few words of SMS is now an impulsive and instantaneous activity. Broadcast emails with extensive mailing lists allow me to reach out to lots of people with my thoughts, opinions, and ideas.

For someone like me who gets kicks out of carrying out meaningful conversations with a diverse set of people, these are indeed wonderful developments.

However, I now realize that there are other types of people around in the world---those who are not much into communicating. These are the people who never respond to a broadcast email. They are your friends on Facebook, but they remain invisible. They are the ones who do not pick up the phone on the other hand---the caller ID having revealed that it is you who is calling.

To some extent, I see their point. In most cases it is us who have imposed ourselves on their quiet nook. We can not expect them to behave the same way as us or have the same needs. They have enough things going on in their lives that these overcommunicating activities play a secondary role. Or they just prefer to be left alone, either because of inherent shyness or fear that their communicating skills are not good.

They do not rejoice the availability of these multiple channels. They have no need share what they feel at any moment, their views on Sarah Palin, or what they did over the weekend. They probably think we are too pushy, self absorbed, and opinionated.

We need to respect their wishes. We need to stop being annoyed if they do not respond to our broadcast emails or do not participate in a hot discussion.

However, I feel that the behavior adjustment has to take place on both sides. The undercommunicators need to observe some level of courtesy in their dealings with people like us. A direct email (not a broadcast one) needs to be responded, the phone needs to be picked up. There are ways of expressing your desire that you don’t want to be bothered without being so obvious.

If these adjustments are not made, I am afraid that some relationships are going to end up being weakened, or even wrecked, as a result of these tools instead of getting strengthened.

Karma and emails

In the beginning there were Nigerians. They perfected the art form of sending spam emails to millions of people enticing them to untold rewards, if only they would give out their bank accounts and deposit instructions. The emails generally are like this: “I am Mr. Obutu. I met your relative who gave me your name. Well, he died and I need to give his $10,000,000 to you...” Believe it or not, there were people who fell for the scam, and some Nigerians became quite rich.

I don’t get such emails any more. I guess my name has now been removed from most of the Nigerian mailing lists.

However, I do get lots of emails originating in India. The latest one told me that on June 21st I would see two suns in the sky, because a star called Aderoid (yes, that is the name) will be so close to earth that it would be as bright as the sun. I suppose the person who sent it believed in it and thought of alerting me to this amazing event lest I miss out.

This is just one example of many such emails I receive. Most are a collection of photographs, with elevator music playing in the background. The photographs are quite beautiful, actually, but they are the same ones repackaged countless times. The messages that accompany the pictures have to deal with pithy advice such as being nice to cats and other living things, because God loves you. Some others are threats---telling me that bad things will happen to me if I do not find 20 suckers to forward this email describing the power of God such and such (remember India has thousands of them).

Unlike the Nigerians, the Indians have developed a very sophisticated production and distribution system. Volunteer distributors, ‘nodes’ for those familiar with network jargon, are created and the message spreads virally. These emails come to me from people I trust----my friends and family members, not Mr. Obutu. So I open them, at least most of the time. The originator packages an email (where does he find the raw material?) and sends it out to a handful of initial fire starters. Then it goes in the Internet Ocean of volunteers who are keen to educate and entertain the world.

So, how do people become volunteer ‘nodes’? I receive my daily quota from several volunteers, and if you meet anyone of them, you would not suspect him/her to be a part of such an elaborate network. Nice, ordinary people. So, were they approached by someone in the middle of the night and asked to become a node or did they get an epiphany that this is what they should be doing? Also, how do they get their quota of messages of the day? Do they get them from anonymous sources every morning--like packets of information arriving at an Internet node--- ready to be forwarded to the next destination?

Of course, the big question is why such messages are created and spread around? Unlike the Nigerians, no one is getting rich. Yes, some of them spread the word of God, and so could be construed as a modern channel created by some religious zealots, but why would anyone send an email about two suns?

These are the mysteries of India and the answer perhaps lies in the belief that you need to do what is in your Karma. The email distributors have determined that this is their Karma. The Indian philosophy further states that you should not expect fruits for your labor. So now everything makes sense. It also leads me to believe that such an email factory and distribution system will continue to exist only in India. The Nigerians will have nothing to do with it.

Walk for Hunger

Early in May, we participated in a fund raising 20 mile walk, called “Walk for Hunger,” which raises money for the hungry people in Boston. Some 43,000 people walked and over $4 million were raised.

Fund raising by volunteers is an American phenomenon. For a cause they believe in, a large number of volunteers undertake an activity to get money from others. This greatly leverages limited resources a charity has and, in addition, gets the society at large involved, instead of just a few rich philanthropists. That makes a lot of sense.

However, for those not from here, the idea of this voluntary activity being physically so challenging may seem strange. Why would a charity make volunteers subject themselves to “torture” instead of just making phone calls?

I think it is brilliant variation of the theme because of several reasons. Let me take this Walk for Hunger as an example.

When I first started participating in this event, the folks at “Project Bread”—the charity responsible for the Walk—told us that 20 miles represented what an average poor person in a poor country walks as he/she forages for food. If that is so, this walk would make me realize how difficult it is for a poor person to fill his belly, and make me empathetic to this cause instead of just being sympathetic. An empathetic volunteer is a good volunteer.

There is also a deeper reason for raising money in this manner. The fact that you are subjecting yourself to a difficult experience gives you a higher moral authority while asking for money than just volunteering your time to make a few phone calls. It is harder for you friend, relative, co-worker or whoever to turn you down.

Finally, the beauty of this fund raising method is how it enrolls the younger generation. When I looked around at the other walkers, I was struck by the demographics. Most of the hoard of walkers surrounding---and by passing me--- were younger than 20! For them, this event provided a perfect opportunity to spend a nice spring day with their friends and family members, chatting, singing, joking, screaming, and cursing along the way. There were mini-groups of white, black, and oriental kids---many wearing T-shirts describing their affiliations. They were having fun and their elders were perfectly happy to have their kids learn the deeper meaning of giving while doing so. What a great way to bring in grass roots support from the youth and making sure that the activity never goes out of existence?

This is a sustainable, robust method for raising money for a good cause, and represents a great innovation from USA that the world should emulate.

Flashing your teeth

Some of the recent digital cameras have a smile feature. That means that the camera will take a picture only if the subject is smiling. This smile has to be of the type that exposes your teeth. Otherwise the camera assumes that you are not worth taking a picture of and refuses to fire.

For a person like me who generally does not flash his teeth while posing for a picture this creates a problem. Either learn to flash, or be ignored by the stupid camera…in effect become a persona non grata. How insulting is this! Outrageous!

How did it come to pass that you have to bare all your teeth for a smile? When did the curving-your-lips-upward stop becoming a legitimate smile?

It can not be genetic. Apes, our closest genetic cousins, flash their teeth only when they are ready to attack. If you see their teeth it is time to run, not point your stupid camera (on the smile mode) with the hopes that it would catch a picture of a happy ape.

Perhaps it is a conspiracy of the American Dental Association. They have so mesmerized our brains that we must have perfect teeth—worthy of a flashing smile and the attention of the stupid camera.

They have done a great job. Have you seen those TV personalities and models that seem unable to keep their mouth close even for a second? Of course it creates a problem when they need to pronounce words that begin with letters such a p, f, b, or m---those that require your lips to meet. They would rather sacrifice and butcher those words for the sake of not looking unhappy, even for a moment. May be even the TV cameras are designed freeze if they do not see the teeth of their subjects, much like the stupid digital cameras.

It is time for us non-teeth-flashing-smilers to unite. Let us become a force to reckon with. Let us help design cameras that refuse to take pictures if they see even a glint of teeth.


May 2010

Who am I?

In the next few days I will receive a packet from US Census. Once again I will be amazed by the absurdity of the question that relates to classifying us.

To make a classification system work, the categories have to be mutually exclusive. One should not have, at the same time, a classification based on race (Caucasian), region of origin (African American), skin color (white) or linguistic preference (Hispanic). This creates an absurd situation for a white person who was born in Africa of Spanish speaking parents. He would be a white Caucasian Hispanic African-American.

Interestingly, one can not use the other terms in the same category. For example, it is OK to call someone Caucasian—or Caucasoid, but not Mongoloid or Negroid, the other two major races. Similarly, we have Hispanics, but not too many Hindics or Chinicks. White is an acceptable classification term, and to some extent, Black, but try to call someone Brown or Yellow.

I have not even touched the subject of what happens when a child is produced out of a union of parents of two different classes. How would she classify herself? I suppose the answer is ---any way she wants.

Now I understand that the person self selects the classification term to some extent, reflecting his or her cultural identification. That is useful in terms of finding people who share your experience or history, as well as indicate how you would like to be treated by the others.

However, why should we collect this data on a national basis? This is a rhetorical question, because I know the answer---in order to ensure that we have sufficient representation of different classes in things like government, and such.

Perhaps one day that would not be the case. We will achieve a situation where there will be no discrimination based on the “class” and there will be no need to keep tabs on it. Or , more likely, after generations of intermarriages, the system will become so convoluted, that we will abandon it.

Until then…I will ask to be classified as a Caucasian, Indian-American, Brown (wheatish??), Gujaratinic. I hope they have a slot for that in the census.

PS: After I wrote this post, I did receive the census form. There was no box for how I would prefer to be classified, but they did have separate classifications based on whether you are a Hispanic or not, and your “race”---an absurd title for a mélange of categories. In any case, I sheepishly put myself as Asian Indian. Talking about which, why should we be punished for the ignorance exhibited by Columbus? May be that should be a subject of another post!

April 2010

...so his son can be a poet.

Someone once asked a soldier, “why are you a soldier?’
“So my son can be a farmer, and his son can be a poet.” He replied.

In the modern day parlance, one can ask the question to a factory worker, and he would probably say that he is working hard so that his son can be a doctor or an engineer, and, if he enlightened like the soldier above, continue and say, “…so his son (or daughter) can be a liberal arts major.”

This was one of the major themes of an Indian movie called “Three Idiots” that I saw last month. It chronicles the life three students of a prestigious engineering college, modeled after the Indian Institute of Technology. The enlightened one amongst them keeps telling his buddies that they should follow their passions. “If photography is what you like, become a photographer, stop trying to become an engineer,” he tells one of them. Indeed, photographer is what he becomes.

This is an appropriate message for a nation where parents are obsessed about their sons becoming doctors or engineers.

It is also good message. At some point in a family’s history there should come a time when passion can trump practicality in choosing one’s profession. This will help the future generation in achieving happiness of the kind that does not depend on material things. The society at large will also benefit, because it is through passion that a culture can move forward.

However, remember that the soldier did not say that his son could be a poet, he would rather have his grandson become one. He sensed that without the prosperity brought about by someone in the family lineage, the farmer, such a dream would be impractical. He realized that without a financial cushion provided by his son, the poet would have a tough time.

Also, the little story stops at the third generation. It is unclear what the poet’s son would be doing. Could it be that the poet would say to his son, “Don’t do what I am doing. Go get some practical education and make a good living. This passion thing wears out after a while and the reality of hard living sets in.”

So will the cycle go into reverse?

May be.

May be not.

March 2010

Siblings

As I observe relationships among siblings, I can not but think that this is one of the most complex ones among human experiences.

On the one hand, you share common genes, similar upbringings, and years spent together. What could be more powerful than this in creating strong bonds?

On the other hand, there are forces that tend to tear them apart.

First are the forces related to sibling rivalry. One is wealthier than the other, better looking, or more popular. For most people, the obvious reaction is jealousy and resentment.

Second, and more interesting, are the forces put in play, almost always inadvertently, by the parents. This happens in three ways.

First, the siblings get different support from parents while growing up. Although a lot has to do with a sibling’s ability and interest in pursuing different careers, a person can start making a case that the amount of help, primarily financial, she received in preparing for a successful career was smaller than the one received by her brother.

Second, during the later part of life, when the tables are turned, and the care of parents become an issue, the source of unhappiness could be the level of support that one sibling provides compared to the other one.

Third, and the biggest source of contention, is when parents die and what is left behind for each sibling. In many situations, the amount just can not be equally divided…how do you divide an estate that includes a lot of items like businesses and real estate into equal parts? Even if the amount left behind is equal, an argument can arise from not being adequately compensated for the inequality shown during the other two phases described above.

The root cause in all this is the expectation that the parents have to be equally fair to each sibling and exhibit such fairness throughout their lives. The parents would love to be fair, but the complication is that there is no easy way to judge what is fair, leave alone implement fairness in real life. Fairness—like beauty—is in the eyes of the beholder.

For example, how exactly does a person living far from a parent provide equal support as the one living nearby? Why shouldn’t a child who needs more financial assistance get more help than the one who is well off? What is fair? How should a parent exhibit fairness?

Most people realize this conundrum, especially when they become parents and confront the same dilemmas that their parents faced. That, hopefully, allows them to diffuse the negative feelings and focus on the positive ones. Having good communications with their siblings and parents also helps resolve any festering issues. For many, however, that does not happen and the siblings become their worst enemies.

That is a great tragedy. Isn’t it?

February 2010