The Grand Plan

“So, I will be inaugurated in a few days. It is going to be a grand event, better than any this country has seen. Steve Bannon suggested I use big banners, like the one Hitler used to use, except put a large T in place of Swastika. I liked the idea, but Ivanka’s husband, who is a Jew, did not think it was appropriate. You see, I cannot afford to piss off Ivanka.  After all, she is the one who is going to run the country.”

“My cabinet is in place, and I have already started doing things to make sure at the end of four years, I would have (1) vanquished my opposition, (2) made billions of dollars, and (3) kept my voter support happy so I get four more years of looting—I mean service to the country.”

“Talking about vanquishing, these pesky liberals need to be taught a lesson or two. They keep calling me names and describe me as an incompetent buffoon, which I am not. Believe me. A tweeter tirade is not sufficient for them, they need something more.”

“That’s where Putin comes in, or Vlad as I call him. As if my own relationship was not enough, I have brought in Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State. He knows Vlad even better. So we are solid. I will let Vlad take a country or two---besides Ukraine, he can have the Baltic countries. Who cares for them? My voters don’t even know they exist. Vlad in return, will open up his Gulags. These prison camps in Siberia haven’t seen much use, and they are dying to stock them up with our liberals. I was gong to request Vlad to call them Trump Gulags, but my advisors told me that that would dilute my brand.”

“You may wonder about my choice to head EPA, Scott Pruitt, who is a climate change denier. Now it may come to you as a surprise that I believe in climate change but I need Pruitt to ensure all our efforts to prevent global warming will come to an end. Guess what parts of our country will suffer most when the ocean levels rise? The two coasts. Who lives on these coasts? Liberals, of course. Let the Fuc***s drown. My city, NY, will suffer but who cares? I live on the top floor, above the floodwater. Besides, I can always get into boat business to save the liberals who can pay. The rest can drown.”

“I intend to increase the pace of global warming by accelerating oil, gas and coal development. Rick Perry, my Energy Secretary, would do that. I know he is a dumbass, but he is a Texan, an oil cowboy. He will get it done. I will get into oil business, except the suckers who voted me in will not know that. A new company, “Great American Oil Company” will emerge, owned by a chimpanzee. Behind him, will be my family. My fat cat lawyers will confuse the corporate structure so no one will know that fact. We will make sure that the chimpanzee is well trained and the suckers will not be able to tell the difference. Just imagine, they thought I was one of them…that’s how dumb they are.”

“You may wonder why I appointed Betsy DeVos as Secretary of Education. Like all women, that stupid broad knows nothing about education, but that is the whole point. My plan depends on my constituents being kept as dumb as possible. Who is better than DeVos to make sure of that?”

“Talking about dumb, yes, I know Dr. Ben Carson, fits that category. However, he knows a thing or two about neuroscience. If he comes out with a strong statement about homosexuality as a mental disorder, we will hit a home run with the religious yokels. They all think that he has a direct connection with Jesus Christ based on all the nonsense he is sprouting. So they would believe him and my religious block will remain solid. May be I will open clinics where members of the LGBT community can go to get fixed. I have given Housing and Urban Development to Dr. Carson. He does not know shit about it, nor do I and we don’t care. No idea what that department does anyway.”

“Now on to China. You have observed that I have started making them angry. Let them. At some point, I will make a deal. Take Taiwan in exchange for ten million jobs. Tell me, can you tell the difference between a Taiwanese and a regular Chinese? Why should I care and defend them? I know these shifty eyed people, they are ready to sell their mothers for a deal.”

“ Let’s talk about the undesirables --- the illegal Mexican immigrants and the Muslims. Vlad has told me that the Gulags will have plenty of space for them too. Hey if Roosevelt had Japanese interned in camps on the West Coast, I can send these folks to much bigger facilities in Russia. Vlad has promised that they would arrange for Tacos for the Mexicans and Korans for the Muslims. What else do they need?”

“Finally, the terrorists. I think the only solution is to drop a nuclear weapon on ISIS. What’s the point in having these weapons if you do not use them? Remember, I am not the first one to do so, Harry Truman did that and people love him. They would love me too. Yeah, there will be a few civilians killed, may be a few thousand. But how can you differentiate warriors from civilians in that miserable bunch? Do you think my constituents would care? These are not white Christians we are talking about.”

“I have selected just the right guy to head my Department of Defense to carry out my order. Why do you think they call him James ‘mad dog’ Mattis? Also, you know what happens after destruction? Rebuilding. And, who is the best builder in this whole wide world? You got it.”

“It is all in place. Just you watch.”