Unfair!

If you as a parent give one of your children five cookies and the other six, what is the first one going to say---“Thank you”? I don’t think so. I suspect, a more likely response is going to be “unfair!” Rationally, what difference is one cookie going to make in the scheme of things? Little. However, that is not what the child receiving less is going to feel. That brings me to my first observation: If an action or situation is deemed to be unfair, its negative effects are amplified.

Of course, the cookies become money, when the child grows up, and the situation that would cause an angry reaction may be inheritance or the expectation there of.

An obvious corollary is my second observation: The expectation of equality is the reason why an action or situation is deemed to be unfair.

The expectation of equality is not limited to the family situation, of course. The citizens of a nation expected to be treated equally by the authorities. Any hint of inequality will generate the feeling of unfairness and amplify hurt beyond what the action may have caused. Come to think of it, people expect nature to be treating all human beings equally, whether it makes sense or not. I bet a family who gets its home devastated by a tornado becomes more anguished if the neighbor’s house does not suffer the same fate. “Unfair,” they might think, even if they don’t say that.

However, even though the perpetrator of the action could be government, society or nature, it is the interactions among family members, especially parents and their children that are the most potent sources of the feeling of unfairness, as expectations of equality are high. That is my third observation.

In my earlier Blog Post, (February 2010, Siblings) I had identified three situations among parents and children that cause stress in their relationships: getting support from parents while growing up, taking care of parents when they need it, and getting inheritance. The same situations cause the feeling of unfairness because the expectations are for equality ---children expect that they will get equal support, provide equal support and get equal inheritance.

Even if there is inequality in any of these situations, the feeing of unfairness can be avoided if there is a valid reason for that situation to arise. If the parents provide more to one child growing up (which inevitably happens), a good explanation of why it was so will prevent the bad feeling. Similarly, if one sibling is unable to take care of parents because he lives in another country, the one taking on the responsibility will understand. Finally, there are situations where the inheritance cannot be equal. Parents may decide to leave more for the child who needs more. Good explanation and understanding all around will prevent ill will.

However, if that is not the case, there is a problem. So, my fourth observation is: The level of amplification of negative effects is particularly high when there is a belief that there were (are) alternative actions that, if taken, would not have caused inequality.

This is so much like dripping water from a faucet keeping you awake at night while the sound of traffic does not. You can take an action to shut off the faucet, while you cannot do anything about the traffic.

These points are combined in the diagram below.

So, what should the person who is feeling that he/she is being unfairly treated do?

Well, I can tell a story of what he/she should not do. In this instance, the wife of one of the brothers felt that they were being unfairly treated because her husband was not made partner in the father’s firm. The reason was simple, he did not have the qualifications to become one. However, that was not properly communicated, as it was assumed that the brother was well provided for even if he was not made a partner.

So, the wife, in a rage over the perceived unfairness, decided to take over the house where the parents lived as a way of equalizing the inequality. That did not go over well with the rest of the family and she lived the rest of her life ostracized. In her mind, she achieved equality and fairness, but at what price? Was shattering her family by her corrective action worth it?

That leads me to my final observation: In most instances the corrective action leads to more unhappiness than it is worth, while being ineffective.

So, if you are the person taking action that would be construed as unfair by another party, think twice about it. If there is a chance that the action has to be taken, explain and get acceptance (even grudging). If you are the victim, do not take “corrective action” without being aware of its consequances. Be magnanimous and forgive, even if it is hard to forget.