As I observe relationships among siblings, I can not but think that this is one of the most complex ones among human experiences.
On the one hand, you share common genes, similar upbringings, and years spent together. What could be more powerful than this in creating strong bonds?
On the other hand, there are forces that tend to tear them apart.
First are the forces related to sibling rivalry. One is wealthier than the other, better looking, or more popular. For most people, the obvious reaction is jealousy and resentment.
Second, and more interesting, are the forces put in play, almost always inadvertently, by the parents. This happens in three ways.
First, the siblings get different support from parents while growing up. Although a lot has to do with a sibling’s ability and interest in pursuing different careers, a person can start making a case that the amount of help, primarily financial, she received in preparing for a successful career was smaller than the one received by her brother.
Second, during the later part of life, when the tables are turned, and the care of parents become an issue, the source of unhappiness could be the level of support that one sibling provides compared to the other one.
Third, and the biggest source of contention, is when parents die and what is left behind for each sibling. In many situations, the amount just can not be equally divided…how do you divide an estate that includes a lot of items like businesses and real estate into equal parts? Even if the amount left behind is equal, an argument can arise from not being adequately compensated for the inequality shown during the other two phases described above.
The root cause in all this is the expectation that the parents have to be equally fair to each sibling and exhibit such fairness throughout their lives. The parents would love to be fair, but the complication is that there is no easy way to judge what is fair, leave alone implement fairness in real life. Fairness—like beauty—is in the eyes of the beholder.
For example, how exactly does a person living far from a parent provide equal support as the one living nearby? Why shouldn’t a child who needs more financial assistance get more help than the one who is well off? What is fair? How should a parent exhibit fairness?
Most people realize this conundrum, especially when they become parents and confront the same dilemmas that their parents faced. That, hopefully, allows them to diffuse the negative feelings and focus on the positive ones. Having good communications with their siblings and parents also helps resolve any festering issues. For many, however, that does not happen and the siblings become their worst enemies.
That is a great tragedy. Isn’t it?
February 2010
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I guess, parents do try their best to be FAIR to all their children - but they cannot ever do the SAME things for each - since each grows up at a different time and a different phase in parent's lives. In addition, each child is gifted differenty and needs different kind of attention for their development.
ReplyDeleteSibbling rivalry is not just due to perceived differing attention by parents but also due to differing set of natural skills each comes with or develops - like in studies, games, popularity etc.
In my view, rivalry by itself is not the key issue. Rivalry can actually also be healthy. It is really the level of SELF ESTEEM that each child develops that determines how a child copes with any sort of rivalry or inequality - since inequality is a given in life. Those with a healthy self esteem can withstand a lot of rivalry and do not get bitter or aggressive. Those without a healthy self esteem are the ones who suffer (and make others suffer).
So the bottom line is that sibbling rivalry is a training ground for life outside the family. If children develop a good, healthy self esteem, they can deal well with sibbling or any rivalry in life. So what is the best way of building a healthy self esteem in our children?
Sharad, very well said. I would just add that for some situations, FAIR means SAME, while for others, it does not. The conflict arises when siblings differ in their opinion about how to classify a specific situation---one where FAIR is equal to SAME or the other type.
ReplyDeleteI agree. In most problemetic situations FAIR is expected to be SAME. In most cases what parents do for each child CANNOT be the same, and there is no other way to quantify it. So they end up comparing apples with oranges! I would add that the need to compare also arises whenever there is insuffient self esteem. People with a healthy self esteem are thankful for whatever they get and make the best out of it.
ReplyDeleteThe problems we might have with siblings, just seem worse than problems we have all living things, because of the emotional bonds and expectations within families.
ReplyDeleteSo the great tragedy lies in our inability to live in harmony with all living things, starting with our family.