Siblings

As I observe relationships among siblings, I can not but think that this is one of the most complex ones among human experiences.

On the one hand, you share common genes, similar upbringings, and years spent together. What could be more powerful than this in creating strong bonds?

On the other hand, there are forces that tend to tear them apart.

First are the forces related to sibling rivalry. One is wealthier than the other, better looking, or more popular. For most people, the obvious reaction is jealousy and resentment.

Second, and more interesting, are the forces put in play, almost always inadvertently, by the parents. This happens in three ways.

First, the siblings get different support from parents while growing up. Although a lot has to do with a sibling’s ability and interest in pursuing different careers, a person can start making a case that the amount of help, primarily financial, she received in preparing for a successful career was smaller than the one received by her brother.

Second, during the later part of life, when the tables are turned, and the care of parents become an issue, the source of unhappiness could be the level of support that one sibling provides compared to the other one.

Third, and the biggest source of contention, is when parents die and what is left behind for each sibling. In many situations, the amount just can not be equally divided…how do you divide an estate that includes a lot of items like businesses and real estate into equal parts? Even if the amount left behind is equal, an argument can arise from not being adequately compensated for the inequality shown during the other two phases described above.

The root cause in all this is the expectation that the parents have to be equally fair to each sibling and exhibit such fairness throughout their lives. The parents would love to be fair, but the complication is that there is no easy way to judge what is fair, leave alone implement fairness in real life. Fairness—like beauty—is in the eyes of the beholder.

For example, how exactly does a person living far from a parent provide equal support as the one living nearby? Why shouldn’t a child who needs more financial assistance get more help than the one who is well off? What is fair? How should a parent exhibit fairness?

Most people realize this conundrum, especially when they become parents and confront the same dilemmas that their parents faced. That, hopefully, allows them to diffuse the negative feelings and focus on the positive ones. Having good communications with their siblings and parents also helps resolve any festering issues. For many, however, that does not happen and the siblings become their worst enemies.

That is a great tragedy. Isn’t it?

February 2010